French Toast Emergencies

“Auntie Em! Auntie Em! It’s a twister! It’s a twister!”
- Dorothy Gayle, The Wizard of Oz

“Raindrops are falling on my head, But that doesn’t mean my eyes will soon be turning red. Crying’s not for me, cuz, I’m never gonna stop the rain by complaining because I’m free. Nothing’s worrying me.”
- B.J. Thomas, Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

“I’m singing in the rain, just singin in the rain. What a glorious feeling I’m happy again.”
- Gene Kelly, Singing in the Rain

“If you give me what I want, I’ll go away.”
- André Linoge, Stephen King’s Storm of the Century

(Originally written April 16th, 2002)

Has anyone other than myself noticed that the moment a snowflake hits the ground people lose their freaking minds?

The same phenomenon happens when any kind of rain hits the road. People forget how to drive. I don’t know why this happens, it just does.

For anyone that lives outside of the Tri-state area, let me tell you what happens the moment snow is forecast on television. Everyone anticipates a craving for French Toast. And they have to have it no matter what. Why do I say this? Easy. It’s due to the inexplicable run on milk, eggs, and bread that happen the night before a storm (even if the storm doesn’t happen, it’s the same thing). Hey, quick culinary question: What are the ingredients for French Toast? (Milk, eggs, and Bread - and cinnamon if you want to get fancy)

People panic - plain and simple. There is an innate fear that they will be snowed in their houses and be stuck with sour milk, stale bread, and rotten eggs. Let me tell you right now - if I am ever snow bound in my house again, whether I have milk, eggs, and bread are the last things I’m going to worry about.

I will be worrying about things like water, heat, electricity, and whether my VCR and DVD players are working properly. I can live without eating milk, eggs, or bread for more than one or EVEN TWO days. It’s not like I’m going to go through yolk withdrawal or have an immediate need for yeast products (well, other than beer, that is.) But one thing is for sure, I will not panic.

You see, I survived the blizzard of 1996. I remember it very well. The day before the storm was spring-like. My landlady, at the time, was having a barbeque in her backyard. It was a beautiful day. The forecast of snow was literally a joke. And then it happened - SNOW out of nowhere. 40 some odd inches of the stuff. I couldn’t go to work because not only were the buses not running but the PATH trains weren’t running either. I couldn’t go to work if I wanted to. And I didn’t have milk, eggs, or bread, either. My wife and I lived off of whatever was left in the fridge and I watched old movies and played video games for 3 days.

And you know what? I lived.

The saddest instance I can remember was that in March 2001 when the “storm of the century” was predicted. I remember that one as well. I left a perfectly good St. Patrick’s Day party in Staten Island to try to beat the storm. And let me tell you, I drove through the “storm of the century”. I got home to Freehold and I watched the snow fall as it failed to cover the height of the grass. It was pathetic. Every weather forecaster got it wrong except for Alan Casper on NJ 101.5, who said that he didn’t think it was going to be bad at all. And the one thing I can definitely tell you was that the stores were free of milk, eggs, and bread.

Give me a break.

When did competent mature adults turn into a bunch of gun shy trembling old ladies? When did it happen when, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” was no longer funny? (I still laugh my ass off.) OH NO! Don’t let it snow! I might be indoors for more than a DAY? I think it’s a fear that we are going to reenact the Donner Family Christmas Special (subtitled - What To Do On A Snow Day). I tell you as rational human beings we are better than what pieces of quivering jello the modern media is frightening people into.

For God’s sake! What would happen if the pioneers could see the weak willed bunch of pansies we’ve turned into? I think they’d kill themselves in a fit of depression. It’s bad enough that mothers are about an inch away from wrapping their kids in bubble wrap before they go outside to play. Could you imagine what a pioneer would say if he heard a modern adult panic that he didn’t have fresh milk in the house before a snow storm?

Here’s the other thing that gets me? Why is it that during a rain storm the majority of drivers forget how to drive? GOD! I hate these people! I understand that the most dangerous time on the road is during the first few minutes of a storm because the water is causing the car oils in the asphalt to rise to the surface (making the road slippery when wet). But after about 15 minutes, it really isn’t a concern anymore. I say use a little caution but don’t slow down to a snails craw. That’s all you need.

A. Little. Caution.

I try to not make fun of being prepared. After all, I was a boy scout at one point of my life (got merit badges, too). I don’t make fun of having a “plan B.” That only makes sense. But there is such a thing as being too cautious. And people who exercise too much caution are the first ones in a straight jacket.

Believe me, I came really close to seeing those buckles up close.

Here’s a good story about me exercising too much caution and having it blow up in my face anyway.*

It was two days before we closed on our house in Freehold. My wife and I were going crazy, moving stuff out of our house in Secaucus to my Grandmother’s basement in Bricktown**. This was to create less cargo for the movers and therefore making less time for them moving thereby making the cost of moving cheaper***. In absence of a truck or SUV, I was using our Honda Accord to transport all of the stuff from place to place and making many trips down south.

On top of all of this, my sister, Michele, was getting married the DAY AFTER we closed on the house and yours truly was in the wedding party. The wedding ceremony and reception was in Howell. So, the itinerary that I had to keep was pretty tight and of course, I had a plan that I could not stray from.

This, being our first house purchase, made life about as frantic as a hemophiliac in a razor factory. On top of all the trifles of moving and wedding, we had financial issues to consider. Would we have enough money in the bank for the closing? What was the number we had to bring? Would we be able to get to the bank with the cashier’s check, drive down to Howell (on a Friday) take care of business and then get to the wedding rehearsal dinner that night? It was a lot to consider. Moving day was the Monday after the wedding.

I figured a time table that would ensure some amount of comfort and efficiency that would keep us happy and sane. I got my father to move one or two things that were bulky and could be transported in his car that would save me a trip.

So, take this in.

It’s Wednesday, after I get home from work, I pack and drive. I come back (my wife is at her job until 7:PM with the other car).

Thursday, I take off of work and pack, move stuff, and drive to Bricktown …a couple of times.

Friday morning, get closing cost number from our lawyer then pick up the cashier’s check from my bank in Jersey City. Drive down to Howell to my parents house. Drop off the dog (Casey). Go to the lawyers office. Do the walk through on the house in Freehold. Come back to Howell and close on the house. Go to the local DMV and change my address on licence so I can get a parking pass for my future hellish commute to New York City. Pick up the dog and bring him to the new house (with cage). Rest. At 7:PM go to the wedding rehearsal, then to rehearsal dinner (fortunately it was close to the new house). Go back up to Secaucus, and go to sleep.

Saturday morning, pick up tux in Middletown. Shower at the new house then go to my parents before the wedding for pictures (Sherry would be picking up her mother in West New York, NJ to join me later). The rest of Saturday was a wash. Go home to Secaucus. Sleep.

Sunday, get up early and do the rest of the packing and bring stuff down to Bricktown, drive back up to Secaucus, finish packing for the movers that were coming - Monday Morning at 10:AM.

That was what was supposed to happen, anyway.

The excrement hit the rotating air circulation device on Wednesday.

Wednesday, on one of the trips to the storage bin, the muffler fell out of the Accord. The plan I had was contingent really on one thing, that we had two cars. One for me to move things and one for my wife to get around and do things. My parents could not help because they were involved with stuff for my sister’s wedding and we really had no one else to turn to.

So, what happened? (Other than my confirmation that there was no existence of a kind loving beneficial God. The one that was in charge at the time was the Old Testament make Moses wander the desert for 40 years for one indiscretion.****)

Bright and early the next morning, the day before the closing, I took the car to Midas and had the car fixed. This ate away at the comfort margin that we had for wedding and closing plans as I had to stay with the car and wait for the repairs to happen. Non stop packing and practically no sleep for 4 days. *****

But the point, I’m trying to make is that I had this entire itinerary meticulously planned and the one contingency I did not account for Murphy’s Law took care of. Ahhhhh! What happens to the best laid plans?

So, tell me that I should err on the side of caution. I’ll say you should have a couple of slices of French Toast… with cinnamon.

* - Ironically, enough, this is almost 4 years ago to the day.
** - Secaucus to Bricktown - distance approximately 80 miles.
*** - These bozos are paid hourly. The less time they spend moving the less money it would cost for me.
**** - My wife would argue this point saying that it was a good thing that the muffler fell off close to the house and could have fallen off on the Turnpike or Parkway. I say, “Why did it have to fall off at all?”
*****- We still got shafted on the price of the move, as the hidden cost of the movers using their tape at their prices was a scam job. Warning to NJ residents use a big name company and not the movers I used. The estimate was half of the actual cost. Nice, huh?