"I've told Billy if I ever caught him cheating, I wouldn't kill him because I love his children and they need a dad. But I would beat him up. I know where all of his sports injuries are. "
- Angelina Jolie

"I got involved in making sure my character set a certain path of not fooling around, cheating. We stuck together on the show and demanded that we were the love lasting forever and we were the one thing on the show that was pure."
- Linda Evans

"When a knight lies, he murders some part of the world."
- Merlin from the movie, Excalibur

"I did something for the worst possible reason. Just because I could. I think that’s just about the most morally indefensible reason anybody could have for doing anything."
- Bill Clinton regarding the Monica Lewinsky affair (from Bill Clinton's My Life)

September 12th, 2005

I have a ritual I perform every September 11th since 2002.

Loyal readers of my site know that every 9-11 I have a steak sandwich. This is not because I'm especially fond of steak sandwiches, though I am fond of them. It is also not because my wife is a staunch vegetarian and I have little opportunity to have meat. My steak sandwich is a celebration of life and enjoyment and a reminder of carpé diem.

My 9-11 story began with a clear beautiful morning, continued to shock and sorrow, and then went to an evacuation. The evacuation started when the NYPD announced over the building's PA that we all had to leave and head north. As I was heading north and I met up with some co-workers and stopped at the Homestead steakhouse on 18th street for beers, lunch, and a side order of sanity.

Everyone in my group had their own 9-11 story of what they were doing when they heard the news and who they were concerned about but the one thing we realized was important was that we were alive and could talk about it. When lunch was served I had a cold beer (at 11:AM) and the most delicious steak sandwich with onions I have ever had - then or since.

So every year since, no matter where I am, I take time out to enjoy a good steak sandwich - with onions, to remind me that I'm alive and that life is worth living.

But today's rant is not about 9-11. I have only brought it up because so many people are concerned with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina that many have forgotten about 9-11. I have not and I want you to know that I have not. Today's rant is about something completely different. Today's rant is about the stupidity of relationship cheating.

Cheating on your spouse is perhaps the stupidest thing a man or a woman can do.

No, really, I mean that. There are people who think they know me and think there's a high probability of me cheating. People who REALLY know me know I'll never cheat. And when I say NEVER I mean that's never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, never. It's just not in me. I believe it is despicable and I believe it is low. Most of all, I believe it is stupid. And the one thing I am NOT is stupid.

Inattentive - maybe. Easily distracted - definitely. But stupid? Certainly not.

Now, the question I know you're all asking is "Why do you think it's stupid?" Well, I'll tell you. It all boils down to integrity and perspective. The former word is thrown around by certain Fortune 500 companies that have no idea on what "integrity" means and therefore it loses its value in that company. The latter is something that comes with any of the following: wisdom, meditation, experience, and/or forethought.

I want to address integrity first. The dictionary defines integrity as the following:

The integrity I speak of comes first in the concept of personal integrity. Personal integrity is good to have. If you have your own code of personal belief (an ethical code), you'll follow it. Moreso, rather than your own personal integrity, it's good to know that a potential spouse has that as well. With good personal integrity comes trust. Why? Because if one knows the integrity and nature of one's mate one will know that it would be out of character for that person to break his own personal code of ethics. And when one marries and essentially gives his or her word to be monogamous they add that ethic to their personal code of ethics.

Essentially, it means to live by your word. And if you think about it, it really is not that difficult. When people get the idea that whenever a person says something and means it or makes a promise and comes through on it, it becomes habit and that person is then perceived to have not only good character but will not have to inform others of their personal integrity. Because either by reputation or by personal experience others will come to know of another's integrity.

So, dear reader, you're probably asking yourself, "What does this have to do with cheating?" Everything.

When a man or woman cheats on his or her spouse, it is a violation of their percieved character. It is a violation of personal ethics. It destroys trust. It essentially means that the oath taken in front of, at least two witnesses and probably under a hundred, at a wedding ceremony meant nothing. It is a violation of a person's word of honor.

And for what? Eight seconds of orgasm? A meaningless night of passion? Think of the consequences if the cheater is caught? The marriage, unless you are EXTREMELY LUCKY, is probably over. If kids are involved, you'll only get to see them half as much. If there is no divorce think about what you'll be raising.

Let me also remind you that a moral lapse like that tainted President Clinton's presidency. Now, I'm not the former president so I can't with 100% conviction tell you what goes on in his head, but I'm pretty sure after all the crap Kenneth Starr put the country through, I can make a pretty safe bet that Clinton regrets his fling with Monica Lewinsky.

Remember, eight seconds versus the rest of your life.

Commitment is a serious issue.

To me it makes a difference. There are people I know that have bragged about their affairs that I've lost respect for. They think it's fun and they scan for new singles as if they never were married. My question to these people is, "Why get married in the first place?" I can respect an honest married person who took his or her responsibility seriously enough to remain faithful.

Like me.

It's like being a married man who reads porn or goes to a strip club. Why do it? Let me ask you: Does it do you any good to see pictures of women who may (or may not) have a better body or face than your wife or girl friend? Would you find yourself at some point saying to yourself, "Gee, If my wife had better (fill in the blank) she'd look just like this stripper (or centerfold, or cocktail waitress, etc..)." It just makes no sense. Wouldn't your time be better spent thinking of the woman you committed to? Trust me, you're doing yourself a disservice fantasizing about other women when your wife, WHO LOVES YOU, is waiting at home for you. I mean, isn't that why you got married to begin with?

If better sex is an issue, read a book. There are plenty of copies of the Kama Sutra out there to keep you sexually insane for decades.

I find there are only two pieces of advice I can give to young people who are just starting out on the path of responsible adulthood. One is "Follow your bliss". That essentially means to follow your heart's desire in your romantic, personal, and professional life. If you do that, you will always be happy, confident, and ambitious. The other piece of advice is "Live by your word."

Say what you mean and mean what you say. It's easy. Don't make promises you won't follow up on. If you aren't sure if you can come through, say, "I will try my best. But I can't make any promises." If you have no intention on coming through on a request, just say no. If you are honest and upfront about any issue, people will respect you more and know what ground they stand on with you. The only thing worse than not being trustworthy is to be unreliable.

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Trust me, it works.

Now, perspective.

As it says in the first definition "a mental view or outlook", combined with the third, "the relationship of aspects of a subject to each other and to a whole", is the point I wish to make. I touched on consequences earlier. I'd like to go into a little more detail. Think about what happens when you cheat. You lose percieved integrity and what most likely happens is that one will lose his or her spouse.

Oh! And what a prize your new partner has inherited! He or she (if this is the direction the illicit relationship goes) now has a new partner - who has demonstrated that not only is he or she not trustworthy, but has experience in betraying a faithful (most likely) spouse for someone who may be younger, or more physically fit, or more well read, or does not nag as much, or any one of a hundred other reasons or maybe a combination of a few. If it is because of something physical, remember, youth and beauty fade quickly. And when the cheater no longer finds the new partner attractive or loses interest (for whatever reason), they'll cheat again.

So for single people, I ask you, "Is it worth it to be in a relationship with a married person." I don't think so. If you had a great time with your married partner, it will never last. If you managed to attract the married partner and you lose interest, do you really want to be a home wrecker? Or have a guy who just has no potential.

These are things that keep me awake at night. I believe that people who elect to go into a relationship with an already committed individual would probably also choose to smash their own hand with a sledge hammer. That's the kind of intelligence at work here.

And how about the actual cheater? Is it worth it? Do you really want to go through life knowing that at any moment your mistress or new significant other will blackmail you? At any time... for the rest of your life or at least the rest of your married life. Do you want to lose half of your income for possibly the rest of your life on alimony and/or child support?

Marriage is a serious committment. When a man cheats because he thinks there's something missing in his life, he should never have gotten married to begin with. It's like running a long race and coming in first then deciding that they want to start again just to see if they can remember what it feels like. Take it from me, hang up your track shoes if you're married. It's over. If a person is bored of marriage and finds something else, WHAT DOES THAT PERSON THINK A NEW RELATIONSHIP WILL LEAD TO??!!!!

Those are the biggest idiots. The ones who say, "I'm sick of having sex with just one person. I think I'll have sex with someone new." Believe me, if you're any good in bed, that new person will now want you to be THE ONE. And you'll have the same thing all over again... except with less money.

I have mixed feelings with people who break up an engagement. In one sense, it's stupid. One person has offered committment and the other has accepted. That is actually the beginning of a contract. And really, that's what marriage is. It's a two person contract. However, engagement's not a complete contract, it's more a letter of intent. The offer is actually, "I promise to be faithful to you forever starting approximately one year from today when we can seal this deal in front of witnesses at a church, synagogue, ship, etc... In the meantime, please accept this ring worth a few thousand dollars as a deposit on my intentions. Should I fail to carry through on my intention, you may keep this ring for all the trouble I caused you."

The offer and acceptance would be instantaneous were it not for the ritual of a wedding. But the time of an engagement is more a trial period to see if the parties in question are actually up to the challenge. There's a difference between living to your word and discovering that you are physically unable to do so. However, if this happens during an engagement for the person who has made the offer it will cost him a few thousand (what he paid for the ring and or deposits on the hall) and the love and affection of the person he would have committed to. (You seriously think these things end well?)

For the acceptee to cheat, it would only be proper for that person to return the ring. That statement says, "I'm sorry. I can't do it. I have unresolved issues and I'm not ready to commit to one person. I do not accept this contract and can not follow through on the proposal." Most of the time, the differences are irreconcilable but sometimes, it's just a matter of waiting. But Men, please, take my advice. Don't wait long for the person to come around. If you are still available and are still serious for this person, fine, if not, move on.

Note that this does not conflict with integrity and does give a bit to perspective. After all this is a trial thing for engagements. If through self discovery, a person discovers that either A) the intended is not their life mate it would be a serious error to commit or B) they are just incapable of staying with just one person or the unlikely C) they have discovered they prefer a same sex partner (or in some cases hetero partner) and are going to lead that lifestyle. All of which are not violations of integrity but affirmations of it. These are things that are good to know before a final committment.

Personally, I encourage long courtships. It's good to know what your getting into.