"Christmas makes you feel emotional. It may bring parties or thoughts devotional."
- The first line to Silver Bells

“In case you hadn't noticed, it's Jesus' Birthday. So, get up off your hethan Muslim ass and f$%^king celebrate!”
- Mr. Garrison, the South Park Christmas Special, from the song "Merry F%&king Christmas to YOU!"

November 27th, 2006

The spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge is upon me.

Yes, it's that time of year again. It's the time of year when we as consumers do our best to find the milk of human kindness and have it curdle in the lemon of our Yuletide shopping lists. Well, for me, I find a healthy reading of Dickens' A Christmas Carol to be just the thing to remind me that old Uncle Ebenezer was right on the money with the majority of his pre-haunted quotes.

Let's run through some of the better ones:

• "What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, and not an hour richer; a time for balancing your books and having every item in 'er through a round dozen of months presented dead against you?" - Scrooge, Act I Scene I
  
• "If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart." - Scrooge, Act I Scene I
  
• "Keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine." - Scrooge, Act I Scene I
  
• "I wish to be left alone. Since you ask me what I wish, gentlemen, that is my answer. I don't make merry myself at Christmas, and I can't afford to make idle people merry. I support the establishments I have mentioned - they cost enough; and those who are badly off must go there." - Scrooge, Act I Scene I
  
• "A poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every twenty-fifth of December! But I suppose you must have the whole day. Be here all the earlier next morning." - Scrooge, Act I Scene I

Everytime I hear those magic quotes it reminds me of where the holidays have really gone to - Madison Avenue. Most young adults nowadays don't think of the holidays as the time of year we should care more for others or if they should be drinking the milk of human kindness. Christmas to them is whether or not they have the endurance to stay in front of a store for 72 hours in the hope of getting a Playstation 3.

But surely we can rely on our televangelist friends to help us find the meaning of Christmas, right? Don't count on it. The one day of the year when they should be working overtime is usually the same day they close their mega churches and stay home with their own families. I guess they figured that its too expensive to operate their base on an unscheduled weekday.

That's right, look for "Christ" in "Christmas" but don't look for him in a megachurch. It's his day off.

If I sound bitter this year, I have good reason to be. Within the last three months the following words and phrases have crept into my daily conversations: jobless, running out of money, cancer, unhousebroken dog, hypertension, taxes and nosebleeds. And just for the record, neither myself nor my wife have cancer... at least not that I know of anyway.

The hypertension, nosebleeds, and joblessness are mine, though. The unhousebroken unneutered dog is my father-in-law's and, unfortunately, my wife and I have been dogsitting him for the last month. This dog has been doing his level best to turn my livingroom carpet into a large urinal. My two dogs may also be following suit as another dog is marking space in their territory. At least my father-in-law's dog is happy. I know he's happy because he's been leaving DNA samples on any pillow we haven't been watching. He'll be with us until Christmastime.

Tidings of comfort and joy.

I am, however, looking for work. The venture that Mr. Wizard and I started is folding. Mr. Wizard received a once in a lifetime opportunity to work for a major league baseball team and he decided to go for it. As for me, I'll be doing my best to finish all outstanding assignments that the business has while simultaneously job hunting. It's hard to tell another person not to follow his dream - even when you're getting screwed in the process.

Cash and savings at this point is an unknown variable because I do not know when or if I'll be getting any paycheck in December. Plus, I'm going to have to pay my taxes for the last quarter of this year with the funds I do have. PLUS, since this was a free enterprise, I was not paying into unemployment. When that money is gone it will be completely gone. When it comes to that, I'll have to try to make a case to access my 401K fund.

If you know the acronym SOL and JWF, you'll have an idea of my circumstances.

All is not lost, however, my resume has been getting a lot of attention and there's a high probability that I'll be able to get some contract work in the not too distant future. Plus, I have every confidence that I'll be able to aggressively pursue any lead I can get.

But, this rant is not about my whining about my problems. It is about the season and all of its "magic".

This is a time when people and all of their whackiness come into fine relief. And let me tell you, folks - there are times the general public gets really bizarre - especially at shopping malls.

As I've noted in the past. My house is "spitting distance" from the Freehold Raceway Mall in New Jersey. Driving in the area to do non Christmas shopping related errands is problematic. And even though I don't plan on buying many things in the mall, I usually go there to pay bills and buy the occasional comic book.

Please stop me if you've ever seen anything like this.

While walking through Sears, I saw a group of 15 Muslims lining up for a family portrait in front of a perfume counter. As I passed them, I couldn't help but think, "What does a person say during a slide show when they come to this picture?" Would it be, "We saw such a great deal on cologne we had to get the entire family together to celebrate this moment of greatness!" Still, twenty years after a good deal has been found, it can be preserved for posterity.

Weird.

A common occurrence is what my wife and I call the "mall stroller brigade". They come out in force from the Black Friday to Christmas Eve. I've gotten my share of internet criticism on this, but, trust me, it's getting worse. If you don't have a stroller when you get to the mall, there are places you can rent them. A word of friendly advice. Save yourself a headache, unless you are bringing your child to the mall to buy them clothes (that they have to try on before buying), leave them home with a sitter. You can get through the people traffic at the mall a lot quicker without pushing a kid in a stroller or dragging them by the hand from store to store. It's worth the five or ten bucks to have a teenager sit with your kid as they watch TV while you get your business done.

But, hey, I could be wrong. Some people like screaming at their kids when all the kids do is cry about how they want a toy NOW. I'm often reminded of the French commercial of the kid going ballistic when he wants candy and the harried father says, "No." The kid starts a tantrum and starts wrecking things in the store while screaming uncontrollably.

The last tag line of the commercial? Use condoms. Tis the season to be jolly.

Still, there are real professional shoppers out there. They are the ones that get up at 5:AM on "Black Friday" - the day after Thanksgiving, for the special low prices and real deals. This is the day that I do my best to stay inside and watch DVD's or read up on my tech manuals. As these cannibalistic consumers target items they want for the holidays, people could lose an arm, leg, or eye. Remember guys, Bush reduced vetran benefits and shopping for the holidays, bloody as it can be, does not count as official warfare. Geneva convention rules do not apply. A healthy viewing of the Band of Brothers series is always a good primer before holiday shopping on Black Friday. I compare it to the invasion of Normandy Beach on D-Day with less gun fire.

My favorite is all of the sob stories that come out around this time. My e-mail box is full of them. This is my favorite. "We saved $1,000 to buy Christmas presents for our family and friends and on Friday (Black Friday) someone broke into our car and stole all of our gifts!!!"

Sure, they did.

Now, leaving alone the probability that this is most likely a lie, we do more to educate people in the lesson that leaving presents in a mall parking lot, where they can be seen, is a highly stupid move. Do yourself a favor, make more than one trip and if you have to leave anything in your car, use your trunk. It's less likely that people will see that you have things that will be stolen. One thing is for sure, if the story is true, they won't be that stupid next year. Trust me, shop Amazon, instead.

Now, for those of you who like to decorate for the holidays. Have fun. As I've said in previous rants, I don't do it. It's a waste of time, effort and energy. You can always find my house on the holidays. It's the darkest on the block.

Which brings me to the insane "happy holidays" debate. Last year, certifiably insane Fox News commentator, John Gibson, attempted to lead his viewers on his "War On Christmas". His book, the aptly named, War on Christmas, is about the left wing's attempts to banish Christmas from public displays. He's been joined by Bill O, the Culture Warrior (and his war on culture), Reilly. They see the courtesy of being culturally aware as being a bad thing. For them it's "Merry Christmas" or nothing. Personally, I prefer the Bill Press book, How the Republicans Stole Christmas, which seems to be the answer to Gibson's folly. I merely mention this debate because it's happening yet again this year.

Okay, here's the real issue. Places that are supported by tax dollars should not show religious preferences. It's that easy. If you own a Walmart, go crazy. If you are the clerk of a township, be hesitant about putting a Nativity outside the courthouse.

Muslims and Pagans pay taxes, too.

As I was driving to get my morning coffee, I saw this sign, "Christmas is the reason for the season". Under the words was a group of Christmas trees.

Now, from a Pagan's point of view, you have to see how hilarious this is. Christmas is supposed to be a holiday to celebrate Christ's birth. However, if you attach any legitimacy to the Biblical myth, the astrology is all wrong for December, however, it is right for the summer. The Christians celebrate Christmas in December because it correlates to the Pagan Winter Solstice, just as they celebrate Easter as it correlates to the Pagan Spring Solstice. So, the season is actually Pagan. Hence it is also the reason we use the term "Yuletide". This is to correlate with the Pagan holiday of Yule. The sign is even more worthy of ridicule because it is highlighted with Christmas trees which are also Pagan.

If you need a quick list on what's Christian and what's Pagan, here is a quick table:

I'm sure there's more but you get the idea. Many of the things the Christians are identifying in their wars or battles for Christmas aren't even theirs. The easy way to identify each is to remember which symbol represents climate and cold as well as mythology and which represents Biblical myth.

Christians have the audacity to get offended when someone wishes them "Happy Holidays" instead of a "Merry Christmas". My mother is actually a supporter for the "Merry Christmas" folk, however, she's also under the belief that there are only 3 religions in this world - Christianity, Judeism, and Islam.

We as a whole have to remember that the point of this season is one of peace and renewal. The reason Pagans sing "Joy to the World" is because it is rooted to our ancestors who were happy they survived another winter. The sun is coming back! Food is going to grow again and we'll be able to eat soon!!

The Christians say "Joy to the world! The son is here!" They celebrate the coming of the prince of peace.

I find it ironic that this is the season we now get uptight about what everything is all about instead of just realizing that we should really just try and get along.