"Sometimes you just can get rid of a bomb."
- Batman (Adam West), The Batman Movie

"Farts are sh*t without the mess."
- George Carlin

October 7, 2007

Normally, I start these rants with a very philosophical statement and, eventually, I try to build to some kind of point. However, in this case there really is no way to do that. What I have to say can't be made eloquent. Even last night, I was talking to one of my readers at a party in a bar who wanted to know what I was going to rant on.

"I can't tell you."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Can't you give me a hint?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I can't tell you."
"C'mon!!! Why?"
"Because there's absolutely no indirect way for me to tell you. And if I told you now, you'd run away in fright."
"Not even a little hint?"
"Really, you don't want to know. Um... I have to go right now."

That's the way I left it. Hopefully, he'll investigate the site right around the time of the rant's publication and he'll see the light. It's a part of life that happens to everyone. To some people it happens more than others. Right now, it's happening to me.

I have gas.

See, I told you. That's the nicest way to say it. I'll even be more explicit. It's not burping. Yup, it's the other end. Of course there's the incredibly blunt way of saying, "I have explosive paint peeling farts that can kill at twenty feet." That's the really nasty way of saying it. Unfortunately, I'm not entirely sure what's causing this, but I'll tell you that right now there's a lot of it.

Three weeks ago, I began yet another diet in a series of diets. Good carbs, high protein, no sugar, plus fiber supplements - you know the deal. In the first two weeks you can lose 8 to 12 pounds just from the detoxification alone. After the first two weeks you can allow some of the "naughty foods" back into your regimine.

I've been drinking water and V8 juice to keep my energy up. Since I'm not using sugar in my coffee anymore, I've switched to Stevia with Silk soymilk. I've gone to Sam's Club to get the extra large version of the Fiber Plus chewable pills. I've also decided that I'd try to take care of my knee problems with glucosemine (not sugar) and One-a-Day vitamins with Saw Palmetto capsules daily.

At first, the most visible signs of the diet were that my clothes started to fit a little better, I started to perspire more, and my pee was chartruese. And for six days things were just fine and dandy.

The noises began on the seventh day. Hey, kids, here's a word you probably won't see on your PSAT's or even your SAT's: Borborygmi.

Like the word "gargantuan" it's not a word that really creeps into conversation regularly. I have found from painful experience, both physical and social, that borbarygmi occur at the very worst time and the more awkward the situation the louder the borborygmus. George Carlin once remarked that borborygmi is your stomach talking to you and loudly proclaiming, "We're poor!" This is done as only a stomach could talk to you. The sound is not unlike a kazoo being played underwater. Sometimes, when it's really quiet, you can almost hear and feel the gas bubbles burst inside your midsection. They sound like fireworks being set off in a distant township. Pop...pop....pop.

On Sunday Night, my wife and I were settling into bed when "rrrrRRRRRRRbbbbBBBBBBrrbblelle".

"What was that?"
"Um, it was me."
"THAT was YOU??!!!"
"Yeah," I said softly.
"How did you do that?"
"It just....(rrrrrrrRRRRRBBBBBBRRRRrrrrrLLLLB)..... happened."
"You gotta be kidding me."
"Does it sound like I'm kidding you?"
"You are not well."

If all I had were borborygmi, this rant would never have happened. Or, at least, it would not have happened in this form. As it stands, it was only the opening number for the eigth day. Technically, it was in the wee hours of the morning after my wife discovered my intestinal orations. We were treated to....

Farts. Loud ones. Lonnnng ones. Farts with hair and teeth which usually can not be produced without a marathon sitting at a White Castles. (Yeah, Harold and Kumar never told you about those, did they?) You know when a fart is really bad?

When the smell of it can wake up your wife.

"Ohhhhh, ewwww, was that the dog?"
"Yes," I lied.
"Make an appointment with the vet tomorrow. I think he might have gotten a bad can of Iambs."
"Sure, no (BBBBRRRRRRPPPPP)... problem."
"IT WAS YOU!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!! Blaming an innocent dog."
"What?!! How could you (BBBBBBBRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPP) say that. (Damn!)"
"Man, THOSE are FOUL!!!! What is wrong with you? The last time this happened it was because you made that 'Green Arrow Chilli' with that garlic and kidney beans."
"Mmmmmmm, chilli. No, I haven't had any chilli. I don't know what's doing this."

And I didn't. Really.

It could have been the soymilk. It could have been the fiber. It could have been the protein. It could have been anything. All I knew is that not only were the farts "beefy" but they were these long, long, loud, popping ones. I counted one for four seconds... seriously. It was like a curse. When I thought I'd released all of the pressure that was inside of me in a bathroom or restroom, my body would shortly produce more. It would then do a short incubation, and ten minutes later I'd have to find some place to release them.

When I actually did have to release them, it was like that scene in the old Adam West Batman Movie. Everywhere Batman looked to throw the bomb, there was someone or something in the way of him getting rid of it. Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb. In my case, I either could not get to a restroom in time or could not find a secluded area to release. And with these, I'd swear there was smoke with them.

I've also discovered that products like Beano and Gas-X don't work on me. I don't know why. I've even tried to overdose with them and I have gotten no results. At best, I've found that cherry flavored Gas-X produces cherry smelling farts. All I can do is be patient and wait for this to end or figure out what out of everything I'm eating (or drinking) is causing them.

According to the website, "The Facts on Farts", the composition of farts are highly variable. Most of a fart is the air we swallow. But it seems to be the chemical reaction of the oxygen, our stomach acids, and the bacterial reaction that produce hydrogen and methane. The longer a fart is "held in", the larger the proportion of inert nitrogens it contains. Plus, it has been said that if both of your parents are methane producers, chances are, you will be too.

So, blame your parents.

Eventually, things got really bad when I had to start using the term "explosive". Thankfully, for the most part, I was home for that phase. Ironically, the last part of it was when my friend asked me what I was going to rant about next. The only two adjectives you need to know is "explosive" and "burning". Nuff said.

Now, I guess, is the point of my rant where I try to twist this with a positive and try and make some universal truth come true. Actually, I don't think I can come up with more than one or two this time. This is a long shot, too.

In some relationships we have in our lives, farts are a form of a strange kind of intimacy. I remember a time in college where a friend of mine and myself went on a marathon White Castle binge and found ourselves victim to the meaty eye tearing fumes of "white castle" farts and had fun trying to gross the other out with our foul "oniony" gas bombs. It makes for great laughs when you are 18 or 19 and have that kind of comfort level with a friend.

The other instance is when you've found that very special person you are going to spend the rest of your life with and know that you can pass gas in front of him or her and know that they won't really be that offended. It's almost a right of passage. If the person of your dreams can stand your farts as much as you can, you have a winner. It's a perverse kind of intimacy but it is a final truth. Should you find yourself with a mate that you feel self conscious in front of they really are not the one for you. A fart without all the fanfare is almost a sure sign that she accepts you for who you are.

Warts and all.

So, when you find the one you really love and feel you've gotten to a juncture in your relationship where you can have fun with a little fart and kid around a bit with it, you'll find that you can really be yourself.

Try it. It's a gas.