"A sprinkle a day helps keep odor away"
- The old 'Shower to Shower' commercial jingle

"It's strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
- The 'Secret' tag

"Did you ever run out of deodorant? It happens even in the nicest of households. You know, you get one pitt done and 'Oh No!'. Well, if you ever run out of deodorant, go into the kitchen and put a bay leaf under each arm. It won't stop you from sweating, but you'll smell like soup. 'Hey! Who's wearing chicken vegetable?!! Not me! I'm bean with bacon!!!'"
- George Carlin, AM/FM

June 4, 2007

"Do I offend?"

Is this a question you ask yourself? I know I do. There's a cold hard fact in life that from time to time we all stink. There's no shame in it happening to people every once in a while, however, if it becomes a regular thing, you may wish to do something about it.

I'm going to make a personal confession: my body odor is not pleasant. Normally, I don't make any issue of it, but it's June and, lately, I've begun to notice it and, apparently, I'm not alone. My wife, who has the nose of a bloodhound at times, has "politely" let me know. It's a "manly" scent. It's a smell that let's people know that garlic is in my food group. It's a smell that says curry and tobasco sauce are regular parts of my diet.

I perspire freely.

I appreciate my wife's honesty and I don't get offended. This is unusual with many people. So much so that in the corporation I worked for there was a specific procedure for telling people they stank. I remember this one instance of a woman who had regular terrible body odor. It was bad. It was so bad that one could not ignore the unmistakable biological warfare she conducted within herself. She had... um... "feminine hygiene issues". Picture the awkwardness at meetings. Normally, you'll know you've got a "problem" when your own department has an all attendance meeting within your building an you've been given the strong hint to "dial in". If I remember correctly, the proper procedure for resolving the issue was to call HR and let them handle it. They know how to do this tactfully and anonymously.

Sweating is a natural process. It rids the body of toxins, fats, and sodium. When people exercise the body sweats to cool itself off. People move and people sweat. When it's hot outside, the body's natural reaction to the weather is to cool itself down with sweat. Sometimes the byproduct is the excorcism of the nastier things that have taken residency in your system. And the actual scent of your body odor usually indicates dietary or biological impurities. Sometimes, the impurities are natural and sometimes they are symptomatic of more serious issues. For example, a fruit-like scent could be a sign of diabetes. An amonia scent could indicate liver or kidney disease. An even rarer condition, trimethylaminuria, is when you smell like rotting fish. You should know that this problem is genetic, so there's bad news and good news. The bad news is that it sucks if you have it. The good news is that if you do have it, you probably won't meet anyone to help you pass the gene along to another generation.

However, in that event, try to get to a doctor, if not for your sake then for everyone elses.

My favorite are the guys who decide to go on an all night drinking binge and not only wake up hung over but are detoxing at work the next day. Co-workers are treated to the wonderful stink of bad body odor combined with the scent of stale beer, vodka, whiskey, or, my favorite, taquila. Sometimes the smell is so bad it can make your eyes water and peel old paint. I suggest that if the stinking injured party is hung over, you should go over to him and talk about your last bad sushi experience. Follow it up with an invitation to lunch at your favorite deli that specializes in salted pork and strong cheeses. I knew a guy who tried to cover the bad scent with Axe deodorant. There's a difference between the power of marketing and the actual truth of women not being attracted to a guy who smells like mezcal over Old Spice.

I've pictured Otis from Mayberry smelling exactly like that.

I mention my particular problem because, lately, I've been having night sweats. They could be indicative to my diet or they could be indicative to the nightly pain meds I take to insure a full night's sleep. And no matter how much I crank up the fan and pump the AC, I'll sweat like an overworked racehorce during the night. If I slept alone, I really wouldn't care, however, I don't. My wife, who has the patience of a saint, has not thrown me out of bed yet. This can mean any of a few things: 1) She really loves me beyond the capacity of most married couples. 2) I don't smell bad "enough". 3) I smell "bad enough" but she's too tired to say anything. 4) She won't get up to sleep on our couch or in the guest room because she does not like the bed. 5) She's planning on killing me and will use the bad odor thing as a legal defense. or 6) She's planning on killing me and my smelliness will indicate to a medical examiner that I've actually been dead for days and will show a different time of death giving my wife a solid alibi.

I'd go with "6". My wife watches a lot of Columbo plus she's seen where the killer usually goes wrong. If you are going to commit a premeditated crime, take your time and do it right. And as I'm currently between contracts I'm actually worth more dead now than alive at this juncture in time. Remember, more times than not, it's for the insurance money.

But I digress. I have body odor.

Did you know that certain colors affect people differently? I've found that my skin against "royal blue" makes me perspire more. No other color will do that to me. If I wear white or green in the same material, I won't sweat. If I wear blue without an undershirt, be sure to notice to two large sweat stains under my arm pits or better yet, watch for the tell tale face cringe when I feel the lone droplet of sweat roll down my spine to my ass crack.

Brrrrr.

I won't go into specifics but we all know that there are certain ethnic groups that are more prone to body odor than others. No names. I won't even mention the dietary food items they eat. Although I will say that the spicier the food, the more frequent the use of garlic, and that there are very specific spices that although not "hot" will seep through a person's sweat pores. We'll also leave the cultural barriers of personal cleanliness and daily ablutions in addition to how often some people go to the laundramat as indicators. As I said, no names, no races, and not only do you know who you are... well, the rest of us know too.

I have body odor.

I cook with garlic. I eat toasted onion bagels with cream cheese and tobasco. I use curry in some of my soups. I like salt in my food. I use tomatoes in my diet. I enjoy a good sausage, pepper, and onion sandwich. I enjoy a well cooked meal and if it does something to my taste buds, I'm a happy guy. I also take Advil almost every night or anything that will take the edge off of almost constant pain. If I'm really nervous, guess what!! I perspire. If I'm sick, I'll be taking Robitussin and anything else that will probably leak through the processes of my body. So, I'm guilty.

However, here's what I do about it. I use antiperspirant. I shower regularly. I wear clean clothes. I wear clean underwear. I use deodorant soaps (Coast is my favorite). I wear high end colognes after shaving. And, if I work out, I'll shower at the gym and do everything (sans shaving) again. And if I have the time and if I can smell the odor, myself, I'll shower again.

And just so you know, here are some real tips on what you can do if you also suffer from this as well:

• Bathe daily. Regular bathing helps keep the number of bacteria on your skin in check.
  
• Dry your feet thoroughly after you bathe. Microorganisms thrive in the damp spaces between your toes. Use OTC foot powders to help absorb sweat.
  
• Choose shoes and socks made of natural materials. Shoes made of natural materials, such as leather, can help prevent sweaty feet by allowing your feet to breathe.
  
• Rotate your shoes. Shoes won't completely dry overnight, so try not to wear the same pair two days in a row if you have trouble with sweaty feet.
  
• Wear the right socks. Cotton and wool socks help keep your feet dry because they absorb moisture. When you're active, moisture-wicking athletic socks are a good choice.
  
• Change your socks often. Change socks or hose once or twice a day, drying your feet thoroughly each time. Women may try pantyhose with cotton soles.
  
• Air your feet. Go barefoot when you can, or at least slip out of your shoes now and then.
  
• Choose natural-fiber clothing. Wear natural fabrics, such as cotton, wool and silk, which allow your skin to breathe. When you exercise, you might prefer high-tech fabrics that wick moisture away from your skin.
  
• Apply antiperspirants nightly. At bedtime, apply antiperspirants to sweaty palms or soles of the feet. Try perfume-free antiperspirants.
  
• Try relaxation techniques. Consider relaxation techniques such as yoga, meditation or biofeedback. These can help you learn to control the stress that triggers perspiration.
  
• Change your diet. If foods or beverages cause you to sweat more than usual or your perspiration to smell, consider eliminating caffeinated drinks from your diet as well as foods with strong odors, such as garlic and onions.

My advice to anyone who has this problem is to try and not take it personally. If someone rolls up to you and tries to tactfully tell you that you have a problem, take it in stride and take action when you can. And perhaps it is best to see a physician if everything sold over the counter does not work. Maybe, just maybe, something stronger will do the trick.

*- "Politely" as defined as someone asking you if you've been eating a lot of spicy foods lately or if you're feeling unwell.