"The wise woman? The WISE woman?", said the crone.
"Yes, the wise woman.", replied Lord Edmund Blackadder.
"Two things ye must know about the wise woman. First she is.... A WOMAN! And secondly, she is...."
"Wise?", anticipated Edmund.
"Oh, you know her then?", said the crone.
"No, just a wild stab in the dark, which is what you'll be getting if you don't start being a little more cooperative."
- Blackadder and the crone at the cave of the wise woman in Blackadder II

"There is no devil in the craft."
- Sandra Bullock in Practical Magic

"Why do witches float?"
"Because they are made of wood!"
"How do we prove she is made of wood?"
"Build a bridge out of her."
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Sir Bedevere (Terry Jones) and man in the crowd (Eric Idle)

November 11th, 2002

I said I was going to write this and now is the perfect time to do it.

My wife is a witch.

Do I mean that she rides a broomstick and has eventual plans of constructing a life size live-in gingerbread house with a gigantic oven to lure German children to eat later on? No. Do I mean that she is green with a big nose and a wart and wears a pointy hat? No. Do I mean that she kills crops, sours milk and kills cattle with just her presence? No.

Do I mean that she is the bride of Satan? Possibly. After all, she is MY wife and I'm about as evil as evil can get.

But in almost every other conventional sense she is a witch.

Before I go on to tell you what witches are, let me tell you what they are not. Witches are not what everyone thinks they are. They are not the cackling, old crones that turn men into frogs. They do not make poison apples to give to young princesses who live with dwarves so they can be the fairest in the land. They do not make spinning wheels for princesses to prick their fingers on so they can sleep for a hundred years. Those are fairy tales.

What witches are, are what was formerly known as wise women. In the old days, before the Catholic Church started to invest in real estate, there were women whom the community revered as knowers and seers. They were the midwives for expectant mothers. They were doctors and dealers in potions. They were advisors in marriage and counselors in all important matters. They were the heads in what was formerly a matriarchal society. Witches were the people that you went to when you needed to get something done.

Witches were the pagans and they worshipped Mother Earth and the Great Spirit. The reason why witches get such a bad rap nowadays is because of what the Church did to become prominent. That's when they started to burn women of power and money. But, don't believe me, you can look it up for yourself. This is not really the point of this rant.

My wife is a witch.

What all of the books and all of the documentaries fail to mention is that even though witches get a hard rap and while it is very difficult to become such a woman, it is even harder to live with such a person.

Well, let me take that back. I think I was perhaps a tad too harsh on that statement. Let me just say that living with a witch is an experience that not many men, especially agnostics such as myself, are really used to doing.

Both my wife and I grew up catholic. She went to Catholic high school and I went to a Jesuit college. We were both confirmed and went to church regularly. We were married in the Catholic church. Shortly after our marriage, we stopped going to mass altogether. We had both come to the same conclusion. We were adults and we both didn't wish to keep going to church. And when you really look at religions and why people are the religion that they are, it is because they were born into it. Very rarely do you see a religious conversion that has nothing to do with marriage. You are born into the religion you are in. Being Catholic, Jewish, Protestant, Christian, or Islamic is truly an accident of birth. The Catholic church and the Jews do one better, at 12 or 13 they ask kids the "Are you sure?" question and get them to go through a mitzvah or confirmation. At that point, a 12 or 13 year old has made the adult decision that this is the religion they are going to stay for the rest of their lives.

Let me ask you - How many adult decisions were you capable of making at age 12 or 13? Why not just start doing your taxes right then and invest into real estate... like the church.

But I'm going off again.

My wife and I had decided that the Catholic church was not for us. We did not know what was for us, but we both knew that Catholicism was not it. I learned of the term agnostic and thought it fit pretty well for me. I knew that there was something out there but it probably was not what the Catholic church was preaching.

It took some more time with my wife to find her niche. About a year and a half ago, she discovered Wicca. I won't bore you in what Wicca is because I'm not really qualified to tell you. But it seems to be close to the old woman with all of the healing potions and stuff. Afterward, she discovered something else: magic.

Is this real magic or is it something else? Don't ask me. I don't know. What I do know, I can't explain. So, what does my wife do? Well, she makes potions to make people feel better. She can read a mean Tarot card. She can perform what she calls "low magic", this is non ceremonial, non demonic magic. She can cast spells of a sort. She is a sensitive. She is not part of a coven, she is what they call "a solitary hedge witch". She believes in the Goddess. She requires herbs, incense, candles, and a whole host of paraphernalia. She believes in the natural energy of the earth.

What does this mean for me? I live with it.

Picture this. I've had a long day in New York. I've been commuting for about 2 hours and come home to incense and music.

"Honey?", I ask not really wanting to know the answer, "What's going on?"
"It's Samhain. I'm performing a ritual."
"Salmon?"
"Samhain."
"Sowmain?"
"SAMHAIN!"
"Whatever. Drew Carey's on then WHO'S LINE is on tonight." And I left it at that.

Another time I came in from a really hot day and saw a small glass of water next to a candle and incense on the coffee table. I was a bit parched and started to drink the water when my wife walked in. It tasted salty.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!! THAT'S THE SPIRIT OF THE WEST AND NORTH!!!!"
I did a spit take and blew it right out of my mouth onto the floor. "JESUS CHRIST!!! WHAT THE F$%@K WAS THAT?!!"

I was imagining that I'd have to go the hospital and have a toxicologist get to me quickly.

"YOU JUST DRANK THE SPIRIT OF THE WEST AND NORTH!!! I really don't know what that's going to mean karmawise." After she assured me that I wasn't going to die, I relaxed.

You haven't lived until sage is burned in your house. It is not to be inhaled if you have a sore throat. Many people will start coughing when they smell it. And it doesn't smell good. Incense good. Sage bad. But it's supposed to be used to clear the house of negativity. Whatever. It stinks.

She has often made me things.

There are herbs and plants she uses that smell like what I can only describe as feet cheese. She made me drink a tea with the stuff in it to make me feel better. Well, I'm not sure what the healing properties of toe cheese are but they are among the top 10 diseases I would rather just suffer through than drink that stuff again. It smells as bad as it tastes.

"I've made this pouch for you. Keep it with you when you need to say the right thing. It'll work. Just believe me." I believe that she took time and effort to see me happy. That's cool. Some guys get their lunch made for them. Not me. I get rocks.

The trinkets she gives me and the potions I drink are supposedly good for me. They are for health, prosperity, and protection. She likes to protect me, the dogs, the house, the yard,... well, you get my meaning. There was one night while I was in bed, I awoke suddenly to her tracing something on my chest.

"THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!!!" I never wake up calmly.
"Protection spell", she said.
"While I sleep?!!"
"Well, I thought I'd -"
"No."
"But, it's for your -"
"No."
"But, I think you really -"
"NO! It just freaks me out when I wake up and I don't see the ceiling! To see anything else, like you tracing things or a pillow over my head or a guy with a knife, makes me nuts! NO!"

I never wake up calmly.

Then there's the books. THE BOOKS!!! If you told me a year ago that there were so many books on earth magic, I'd never believe you. But that's part of the deal. Once she did her dedication a year and a half ago, she had to do a year of study. And when my wife starts to study something, she really goes in with full force. And these are not books that you normally can get in Barnes and Noble, although there are quite a few that you can buy there. These are books that are hidden, only sold in witch shops, out of print, must be ordered via the Internet, or heard from a friend of a friend.

It was not unusual to find my wife buying over $100 - $200 in witch books at a shot. This is stuff that you can't find or steal in a library. It is not stuff that you can read on a plane or in a train, with a fox or in a box. It is stuff that is read at home. The majority of the time, if my wife can't find them in B&N or in a somewhat local witch shop, she has to make the trip.

Every six or eight months my wife and I make a pilgrimage to New Hope, Pa. This is to get witch stuff. Which stuff is witch stuff you ask? Well, I'll tell you. My wife needs herbs, incense, oils, caldrons, wands, books, mirrors, stones, pouches, cheese cloth, and swords. Don't laugh, it's true. There is also the miscellaneous stuff she needs to grind the stuff for teas and potions as well. So, it can run on the high side. Lately, however, she has started to economize.

Also, at first, we couldn't tell anyone. I mean anyone. My wife wanted to wear a pentagram - regularly. I told her it wasn't a good idea. It's not because I didn't believe in what she was doing. It was because I knew that there were a lot of other public idiots that wouldn't understand. They would think she was worshiping the Devil or something. There is a saying, "Lord, save me from your followers." Some people put their faith in people. That's some people. I'm not one of those. I prefer to live by what I know. I know the majority of people around here won't understand and would do something violently stupid - like something from the Salem Witch Trials. I haven't brushed up on my chants of "Burn the witch! Burn the witch!" Also, my wife is not made of wood.

I told a co worker of mine recently. I said, "My wife is a witch."
"Why do you say that? I bet she's sweet." Oh well, I tried.

My mother, who gives talks on the virgin Mary regularly - well, I don't think telling her would have been the smartest thing in the world. She still doesn't know - unless, of course, she reads this rant. And then, "Oh well." My mother-in-law has been slowly broken into the truth, not due to my wife but due to a very, very, progressive priest in her parish that stated, "Pagans have really gotten a bad rap." Let's hope that the Vatican doesn't get word of him. She has been very open minded since. My wife started saying that she was into American Indian Spiritualism and then worked her way into Wicca. She then came out of the broom closet with the "I'm a witch" thing. And all is well for her.

I still have to deal with my family not knowing. I'm not sure how my father would take this. Chances are he won't really go nuts on this. The only ones on my side of the family who know are my brother-in-law, Michael, and possibly, my other brother-in-law, Christopher. The best question came from my sister. She asked Michael, "Does Chris' wife worship the Devil or something?" No. And as Sandra Bullock said in Practical Magic - There is no devil in the craft.

But weird stuff has been happening within our lovely household. The day after she finished her dedication to the Goddess a broom mysteriously appeared at the front of our doorway. It was a small broom. I had assumed it was our neighbor's or the landscapers. So, I left it there. No on has claimed it and it hasn't moved for months. Okay, it's not a big thing.

Here's another.

I've had problems with a former co-worker that was a real thorn in my side. Well, I decided that a little witchy help could be used. My wife asked me if I wanted a "freeze spell" put on him. This would not cause any harm to befall the big fat idiot but it would keep him from causing trouble in my life. Shortly before the layoff in May, my wife put it into effect. I haven't heard or seen anything from him in all of that time since. His spell is still in the back of my freezer only to be defrosted 8 months after I leave my company. My wife has performed this spell and instructed some of her co-workers on how to do it and it has worked for them as well. Okay, maybe it's another coincidence.

How about this? Yesterday was interesting.

We had just finished cleaning my mother's nursery school and we were driving home. All of a sudden, I got a sharp pain near the heel of my foot. I had not stepped on anything and I was relatively inactive the day before.

"Ow. That was strange." I said.
"What was strange?" she asked.
"It just felt as if someone stabbed me in the heel of the foot with a giant stake."
"Really?"
"Yes. And I don't really remember stretching, pulling, or stepping on anything."
"Chris, I've been thinking about this for a bit. You may think I'm crazy. I think there's a possibility you've been cursed."

Cursed. Riiiiighhht.

"Is there anyone that really has it in for you?", she asked.

"Too many to even mention. I've pissed off a lot of people in my life. I think the line starts with you and goes around the block." I know this to be true. I wasn't always the nice sweet bring home to mother gentlemen that everyone knows and loves. "But, no one I can think of off hand."

"Well, your luck has been pretty bad for almost as long as I've known you", she stated.
"True. I think we can start with the food poisoning on our wedding night to the eye cysts that appeared the week after we were married.* Then we can go with bits of bad timing since." Then I had an idea. "Well, you are pretty good at the Tarot. Why don't we ask the cards?"

We got home and after she did a normal reading for me, she asked me to pick a card to see if I was cursed. I did. The card was the Judgment card. "I think you've been under psychic attack", she said.

"Let's be sure and pick again." This time I accidentally drew two more cards. One was the Hierphant and the other was the five of cups. "You are definitely under attack", she stated.

"Well, who's been doing it?" We shuffled the deck and I drew again. The page of cups. "A younger person", she said. "Either a homosexual or a woman younger than you are. Fair. Not emotionally stable."

Well, normally I got along with the homosexual community. I don't think I've ever pissed one off either. A woman was highly probable. The thing was I hadn't dated anyone in over 10 years (not since November 1992). I met my wife in October of 1993 and we were married in April of 1995. 9 years with my wife and 7 of them happily married with no cheating whatsoever. So I had to ask again. "How long has this been going on?" Shuffle. Draw. The Eight of Wands. "Eight years, months, or days", she said.

"Eight years? Hmmmmmm. Do you think it could be that long ago?", I asked. Shuffle. Draw. Six of Swords. "It's been a long time.", she said "Draw one more." Eight of Pentacles. "Eight years.", she said.

"Who is it?", I asked. I had an idea, but wanted to be somewhat sure. She closed her eyes and concentrated. "Do you know a woman... tall...about 5'8" or 5'9".. fair skin.... chestnut hair.... frizzy at times", she said slowly, "a build like my cousin's.. not thin but... big boned... not too busty."
"Long hair or short hair?", I asked.
"Shoulder length", she said. I thought I knew who it was but one thing would confirm it.
"What do her teeth look like?"
She smiled and brought her finger up to her two front teeth. "She has a gap - here. Like Lauren Hutton."

She described in perfect detail my last girl friend before I started dating my wife. The gap was the last bit. She was very emotional at that time. She is nearly 5 years younger than I am. She'd be about 30 or 31 now. I had not seen her in 10 years. I last spoke to her (over the phone**) in February of 94. I was engaged to my wife - March of 94.

Eight years ago.

Problems started shortly after our wedding.

I had gotten rid of every picture with her in it. My wife has no idea what my last girl friend looked like at all. I never speak about her. Other than to say that she was the last girl I dated steadily before my wife. I have never described her and I have certainly never told her about the gap in her teeth.

Freaky.

I told my wife who it was. "Is there any reason why she'd be that angry?", she asked.
"Who knows? It was a long time ago. I can't remember."

"We have to go to the Rag Shop so I can get some stuff to remove this curse", she said. Now there's a sentence I thought I would never hear.

There are many things in this universe that we just don't understand. Some things have to be taken on faith. Einstein and Stephen Hawking support the theories of the Earth Spirits and energy. We are all interconnected. One thing affects another and so on, and so on, and so on.

I've married a witch. This is not a sitcom. I don't plan on dealing with Endora or with a Larry Tate. But I have a wife who loves me. Marriage transcends religion. Even the Catholics will admit that. It is a sacrament that we give to each other witnessed by our friends and family. The bonds we make are wholly our own. And with that bond comes strength and support.

It doesn't matter if you worship together, but it does matter that you be there for each other. As I write this, my wife is researching protection spells and seeing what she can do to lift this curse and send it back where it came from. That's love AND religion.

The Dali Lama had once said that if you have 1,000 people then you'll have 1,000 different views of religion. If you don't believe in one God, the father, there are many others that you can believe in. As my wife said, the gods and goddesses that she worships are all aspects of the Earth Spirit. As I understand it, all she is doing is speaking specifically to an aspect at times.

Pick a god any god. Shuffle. Draw. They are there waiting for you.

______________________________________________________________________________________

*All true. My wife got food poisoning from the banquet hall we had our reception in. She's a strict vegetarian and they served her meat sauce on her food. She was puking that night. It made for a mental picture that won't go away. The eye cysts are equally true. I had to have eye surgery in May of 1995. An experience I had to repeat 2 years later.

**This is years before caller ID and I stupidly picked up the phone. She called. I said it was over I'd met someone else.