|
"What about the children? What about the children? F%#@k
the children!"
- George Carlin
"Children should neither be seen nor heard from -- ever
again."
- W.C. Fields
"I never met a kid I liked."
- W.C. Fields
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you
parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender."
- W.C. Fields
"Children should be seen and not heard."
- Unknown
September 19th, 2002
Well, I've been meaning to
write this rant for a while now and I'm taking the time and
circumstances now to write it.
I'm on vacation this week. So, naturally, I'm
sick. Sore throat, stuffiness, cramps, you name it, I've got
it. But I did manage to see something that most people go a
lifetime without seeing: A bald eagle in the wild.
Recently, bald eagles have decided to make a
home in New Jersey. This has been happening over the last year
or so. My wife and I had heard that a bald eagle nest was recently
spotted at one of the local reservoirs in Howell, and thought
we would try our luck in seeing if we'd actually catch a glimpse
of a nest or an eagle in flight. Bald eagles have been known
to stay away from their nests for days at a time and fly within
a 100 mile radius from it. So, there wasn't much of a chance
in seeing one. But my wife and I, having nothing to do that
day, thought we would give it a shot.
The sickness that I now have really hadn't shown
itself yet. I only had a "tight" throat at the time
and a couple of stomach grumbles. Nothing that would keep me
indoors. So, I ventured forth with my wife, Mother Earth, and
went to the information center at the Chestnut Point Reservoir
Station.
The station is new. It opened in May and not
many people know if its existence yet. My wife and I only stumbled
across it at the last second. It is a newly constructed building
with plenty of rangers and construction that is still going
on. It is unspoiled, unmarked, and wonderful to behold.
We had entered the building. I went to the first ranter I saw and asked him
where the bald eagle's nest had been spotted. He said that the
area near the nest had been roped off and they hadn't seen any
eagles around within the last few days. Seeing I was somewhat out of luck, I then asked if there
was a bathroom I could use. I figured that after we emptied our bladders my wife and I could try and look for them ourselves. After I finished my business
in the men's room and my wife had "freshened up",
we went back out to the lobby when another ranger had just arrived.
This second ranger was happily telling the first that he had just spotted an
adult bald eagle just outside of the center. I jumped on this
opportunity and asked him if he could show us. He said that
he was happy to and took us down a dirt path and told us to
be quiet.
About 50 yards away, in a pine tree, there was
an adult bald eagle... grooming himself.
Although I could see his head without binoculars,
the ranger lent me his. The eagle sat perched on a large branch on the top of a tree digging his beak into his feathers. The bird looked around as if to survey his kingdom and cast his eyes in my general direction. Let me tell you, It's sort of uncomfortable knowing that this eagle, a bird of prey, could see me better without binoculars than I could see him with them. The ranger informed us that most
people go their entire lives without seeing a bald eagle in
the wild and that we were, indeed, fortunate. After looking
at the bird, we got a gander at the eagle's nest* and then we
took a last look at the eagle before going back up to the center.
My wife knew that this was a special, spiritually,
quiet moment and it if nothing else happened during our vacation,
we would be able to say that we saw a formerly endangered species.
It was sacred and it was special.
As we got back to the center we saw some parents
enter with a stroller brigade. I wasn't sure if the ranger offered
the same tour we got. In fact, I'm pretty sure he didn't and
for good reason: the kids were screaming. I'm certain the ranger
wanted to get another look at the eagle before he flew off again.
And hence begins my rant.
Please tell me why.... WHY!!!... every parent
thinks that their little spawn will be the apple of everyone
else's eye especially when it is screaming like a banshee. The
one constant that my wife and I have had this week of our vacation
and the week preceding our vacation is that we seem to attract
new parents who insist on bringing their kids EVERYWHERE.
Now, before I go any further, I have to tell
you, I don't hate kids. No, really, despite some of my previous
rants, I don't hate children. Friends of mine have asked me
why I have such venom in my child rants and I tell them all
the same thing - I don't hate kids. My wife, on the other hand,
is a different story. She does not like children. She prefers
to take them one at a time. I have no problem with that. That
is her call.
No, my biggest problem is with the parenting
idiocies that accompany kids in public.
I wish to address this issue. Is it possible
for this country to build some kind of refuge for the childfree?
For the people, single or otherwise, to go to without having
any kind of distraction from screaming children. I don't think
this is an unreasonable request. There are no smoking sections
in restaurants. Why can't there be a "no children"
section or an "adults only" section? For those of
us who like to enjoy a meal, or a movie, or a shopping experience
without the hassle of children that aren't ours.
I think the only problem we will encounter is
that some stupid liberal yahoo will cite "discrimination"
in our childfree heaven and spoil the entire thing. And to be
fair, it is discrimination. But as of recent events,
the childfree really have no other refuge other than their own
homes. And that isn't fair.
But let me ask you, the reader - Is it fair that:
- New mothers get to breast feed in restaurants
when single people are trying to enjoy their meals?
- Parents allow their children to run and scream
unsupervised in establishments like restaurants and movies
when single people have paid good money to enjoy either their
meal or a movie?
- Single people are now restricted to not smoking
around kids?
- That new mothers feel a dining room
table or mall food court table is the perfect place to change
a diaper? (HEY! I'M EATING HERE!!)
- Parents will block crowded mall aisles with
baby strollers when other people have to navigate around them?
- New strollers are now being built to not only
be doublewide, but triplewide, creating an obstacle and road
block to anyplace I would wish to go?
I don't think so. And I don't think these self
inflated prima donnas deserve any respect or rights for contributing
to the over population problem of this planet.
I address something in the third bullet that
is recent: No smoking around children.
This is new and one of the catalysts to this
rant. About a week or so ago a judge ruled that it was illegal
not only for the parents of child to smoke near their little
spawn but anyone else. And as nightmarish as this sounds, there
are two words that are even more so - "legal precedence".
How does that grab you? Some judge just passed
the irresponsibility of one parent and made it law not to smoke
around one specific child. This kid must be the next Ghandi
or something because I know that neither myself nor my wife
were ever that special. My father, in 1966, smoked freely around
me when I was an infant. And in 1967, 1969 as well. My father
made a promise, that he would quit smoking when my sister Laura
was born.
Laura is 27 now and my father is still smoking.
My wife can boast that not only did her mother
smoke in her home apartment but her live-in grandparents did
as well.
And despite us playing with lawn darts, fire
crackers, and not wearing helmets on our bicycles, we lived.
Were there police at my parents house charging
child endangerment? Did the 2002 Orwellian Gestapo visit my
house for smoking on my patio while kids played outside of it?
Will this law stop me from smoking outside despite children
being around?
"No", to all counts.
Here's another good story.
My wife and I were really put through the ringer
last week. This was the week before our much needed vacation.
I didn't want to cook and neither did my wife. I had to pick
up food for the dogs at the local Petco. While we were there,
I asked my wife where she wanted to eat. She said, she wanted
to eat at a place that would give her plenty of selection so
she chose the Old Country Buffet. I suspected a possibility
of what might happen. I asked her again if she was sure
she wanted to go. She said,"Yes."
So, I went in and paid for an "All You Can
Eat" meal for two. The waitress led us to our table and
we sat down. Then all chaos broke loose.
I counted six children in a full out run in this
restaurant and another five screaming at the top of their lungs.
Of course, they waited until we got our food and could not get
our money back. I was treated to a full meal and a full night
of indigestion. My wife was developing a very nice facial twitch.**
We made it a short meal and left the restaurant.
I said that tomorrow, I would pick the restaurant.
So, I did. I figured a childfree evening would
have the best bet in a Sushi Bar. After all, what mother in
her right mind would bring her child to a Sushi Bar and feed
it raw fish?
Apparently, the people who were sat right next
to my wife and I the next night, would.
Screaming, fighting, and whining were the appetizer.
And all I thought I'd get was the miso soup and a salad. Finally,
my wife slammed her fist down on the table in a fit of intolerance
and said (quite loudly), "IS THERE ANY PLACE WE CAN HAVE
A MEAL IN PEACE?!!!" Well, the family took offense and
left.
Don't let the door swat you on the ass on the
way out.
Raw fish for kids and they wonder why they scream.
Idiots.
And why oh why do mothers feel it is there God
given right to change a diaper in every public place imaginable?
The most sickening thing I saw was a mother change a diaper
at a restaurant. Thanks for ruining my meal! I paid good money
for this meal and I didn't need to see your kid's SHIT while
I ate it! They have changing tables in rest rooms now in the
men's AND ladies' room. Why do mothers feel a need to demonstrate
how to change a diaper in a public eating place? What disturbs
me is the possibility that a kid might have been changed at
the table I was eating on.
It keeps me awake at night.
Also, I have to ask - When did becoming an adult
reduce my personal liberties? That is what is happening
here, isn't it? That despite the fact that I as a childfree
adult get no tax breaks for not having kids, pay taxes for schools
that I'll never need and lunches that I'll never eat, I have
less rights than someone who has kids. Why? Because, apparently,
being a parent in the 21st century entitles a person to step
on the rights of another to pursue happiness.
They eat where I must eat. They watch movies
where I must watch movies. They shop where I must shop. I must
smoke where they are not.
How long? How long must the childfree suffer
before something violent happens. I put it to you. Is it fair?
Shouldn't the responsibility for a child's safety rest solely
in the hands of the parent? Why should I have to alter my behavior
because little Junior or little Sally are where they shouldn't
be? Why should I have to not enjoy the meal that I paid hard
earned money for because there is no place else for me to enjoy
myself.
Kids are allowed in bars, so long as they don't
drink. Correct me if I'm wrong, but when we were kids, didn't
bartenders throw kids out for being under age? Now, they can
go into any TGI Fridays or Applebees where we can enjoy a nice
drink and a scream. And maybe for desert, a little breast feeding
and nausea on the side.
Isn't this wrong?
______________________________________________________________________________________
*Apparently, eagle nests eventually get to be about 20 feet
in diameter and will also (eventually), take the tree its built
on. As this tree seemed to be relatively dead, I don't know
what will happen within the next couple of years.
**I call it the "Dreyfus twitch". This is from all
of the very popular Peter Sellers Pink Panther movies.
|
