"Never give up.... Never Surrender"
- Galaxy Quest

"No retreat, baby, no surrender."
- Bruce Springsteen

"Empty Sky, Empty Sky, I woke up this morning to an empty sky."
- Bruce Springsteen

September 11th, 2002

I'm just a big chicken.

On the advice of my wife, I've decided to stay home today. New York City is on an orange alert. Apparently, orange is not a happy color in this case. Normally, when I think of orange, I think of Florida sunshine, but this time it's a "there has been a threat, a specific threat to landmarks and transportation systems in New York". Well, orange, which is very close to yellow, seems to be the color I am today.

In all actuality, I was going to go into the city. I was ready and willing and wanted to make it a point that I would not be afraid today. I was certain that there was no way that anything was going to happen. And true to my character, I went about telling people that I was definitely coming in.

However, I am torn between two concepts. The first is my intelligent, logical, rational self, which says that it is highly improbable lightning was going to strike in the same place. The risk of life and limb to me is really low. Why should today really be different from any other day? Okay, so, it's the anniversary of 9-11. If anything, everyone is on high alert.

Then the irrational side of me says this: What if? What if today, specifically, because, everyone is on such a high alert and have taken every reasonable precaution, and because the president is in town, and because IT IS 9-11... What if today they decide to prove that no matter how many precautions we take, no matter how many times we say, "We'll never forget!", no matter how many TV specials there are of last year, they do it to say, "We can ALWAYS get you." The irrational side of me is the same one that gets nervous in the Lincoln tunnel to and from work. The irrational side is the same one that wants the subway to arrive and get to its destination quickly because it's that much less time I will be underground. The irrational side of me is the part of me that runs up 5 flights of stairs in the Port Authority because if there is even a chance of getting an earlier bus to get me out of this hell hole, I'll take it.

Yesterday, I was on the fence.

Then I did something really stupid. I started to discuss what happened a year ago with my coworkers. Now, this new group I am with was actually a lot closer to ground zero than I was that day... a lot closer. They were at 100 Church Street. A building that they had to move out of to come to our building right after 9-11. I spoke to one coworker who was downtown that day and he said the two things he'll never forget was the impact of the plane hitting the tower which he felt in his feet and the sight of bodies jumping out of the North Tower. I spoke to others that were close to the dust and were diverted to our building for safety... just before WE were evacuated.

Then I remembered how I was on that day. I was okay until I heard these words, "By order of the NYPD, you are to evacuate this building immediately and head north." Head North. That was it as far as instructions. It was not "go home" or "head to this street", it was "Go North". Initially, I thought I was safe as the building was formerly a converted railroad station and it was fortified. We had food, bottled water, electricity, heat, and comfort. Manhattan is built on bedrock, so there would be no earthquake. I was able to call my friend Nora O'Connor and have her relay two messages to my wife and to my mother - That I was all right and I was safe. What I didn't know was that my building was also on the main gas line to downtown. If that went, "BOOM!"

Go North.

So, as I'm remembering that day, I also remembered the good things like having a couple of beers with my coworkers. as we had lunch at The Old Homestead Steakhouse (established 1868). I had the best steak sandwich with onions I had in my life. We had our bit of gallows humor as all New Yorkers did. We heard President Bush's speech on the radio. And then we were going to try to figure out what we were going to do to get home. And that was a concern. It took me 8 hours to get back home to Freehold via Newark. I was able to follow the World Trade Center's smoke all the way to my house. And the one thing that I could not reconcile was that the sky was now empty and the World Trade Center was gone from the landscape.

So, I weighed these factors in addition to this final one: How many of my coworkers that were in my company from 9-11 last year were laid off from my company since?

I was able to surmise that no matter if I came in and took the risk of life and limb getting to work, it wouldn't make a shitload of difference to the management I am working for now, if I came in and nothing happened. So many of my coworkers that shined during 9-11 are no longer with my company. Either they left because they felt they were no longer wanted or they were fired because the company told them so. And while my company went to great breast beating on how it was going to support the recovery initiative of making sure that there was going to be counseling... none of it mattered because many of the people were fired just the same.

I determined that if I was going to risk my life for anything, it was not going to be for them. They said that if we wanted to take the day for this - we could. So, I did. So much for being on the fence this time.

Screw you guys, I'm staying home.

At 9:AM today, I attended a conference call FROM HOME. I did what I could FROM HOME. I really didn't have to be in today. And as I'll be on vacation next week, I'd rather be alive for it.

I'm not saying that what I did today was the 100% right thing to do, but I will tell you this. My wife feels that much better that I didn't go in today. I feel a little better, although chicken, that I didn't. And I'll sleep that much better tonight knowing that I was in the game for just one more day not doing corporate bull shit.

We are on this planet for just a small amount of time and then we are worm food. I think that I'm going to make the best of that time today.

Today, I'm going to do my best to remember 9-11 by having a steak sandwich and count myself lucky that I was not just a physical casualty but also not a corporate one.